This is only part of the story, I haven't finished it yet. This is also my first story so please critique as much as needed.
Vashoa stared out over the large space, empty, except for some shrubs and rivers she called home. She had lived on the prairies of South Dakota since she was a baby, all fifteen hard years of her life.
Vashoa started back to the old, ramshackle farmhouse where she dwelt with her ma and grandma. They couldn't do all the chores themselves, not with grandma almost ninety-five and ma with a baby on the way. There was plowing, planting, trading, milking, churning, and feeding the animals to be done. She sighed, wishing there was someone to ease the long hours, someone to laugh and play with in spare time. But there was no one. The nearest town was a days journey away, she couldn't abandon her duties just to talk and see sights. Reaching the door, she paused to collect her thoughts. Then, grabbing the cold handle, she pushed into the house.
Instantly, Vashoa was met with the smell of bread. Ma must be baking already, she thought. She grabbed the milk pail and stool and headed out to the barn. She settled herself down to the steady plink of the milk hitting the pail. When the pail was full, she lugged it back to the house and pored some of it into the churn and skimmed the rest.
Pumping the churn up and down, Vashoa tried to remember the last time she had seen her pa. Unless she counted dreams, she hadn't seen him since she was seven, after the burial. Her pa had gone hunting, when an unexpected blizzard blew through. It lasted three months, so terrible, she couldn't see a lantern a foot away. Spring had come at last, much to everybody's relief. But pa hadn't. Two years later, another hunter had found him, dead, rifle in hand, with bear wounds on him. Ever since then, Vashoa, who was his "hunting helper", had hunted to feed the family. Finishing the butter, she put it on a platter and salted it, then put it in the icebox. Time to feed the animals, and gather the eggs.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
alright, this is some good storytelling, but I feel you add more realism to it.
This is supposed to be a story abut Vashoa, but I'm not hearing that much about her except for what she's been through.
if you truly want to introduce a character and their lifestyle you'd give more detail pertaining to what the character thinks.
why they act a certain way or have specific traits such as habits, or personal ceremonies(I.E. a special song or a whistled tune etc.)
this is good writing but a great deal more realism would bring this work to life.
I didn't get a chance to read the other reviews, so hopefully I don't repeat anything.
First, the word ramshackle kind of rubbed me the wrong way when I read it. Just a personal opinion, so you're welcome to keep the description. Second, I am not positive what exact time period this story takes place, but I do know that grandma probably shouldn't still be alive at ninety-five. I think the life expectancy was probably fifty or sixty. Secondly, if the protagonist's father is dead how is the mother pregnant? Who got her knocked up? Where is this mysterious man? Why isn't he the one doing the hunting, plowing, planting, and trading?
I helped my grandfather on his dairy, and even with today's current technology it was hard work. I don't think there is a plausible way that a fifteen year old girl could run a whole farm on her own. Maybe with some hired help. Furthermore, at that age most girls in that time period were getting married and having babies. It sounds crazy, but my great grandmother got married at 16.
Thoughts should be italicized.
Why was Vashoa outside in the first place? What was she doing before going to the house and getting the pail to milk the cow? Also, I had a problem with your description of the settings surrounding your main character? You describe the land having rivers and shrubs in South Dakota, but hey, we have rivers and shrubs here in Colorado, so that is kind of vague. You tell us the house smells like bread, but you don't tell us what the interior looks like. What about the barn? You tell us absolutely nothing about the barn. What does it smell like? What does the barn house? Just the cow? Or does it have other animals, farm equipment, feed, etc. Is it in disrepair? How is the lighting in the house and the barn? ANd what about the cow? My grandpa developed a relationship with every single one of his cows and he had over a hundred. If you have a single cow you are bound to develop a type of petlike relationship with it. What is the cow's name? (Please not Bessy or Daisy)
Two years later is a long time to find the body and I doubt they would be able to identify the body. No doubt there would be a great deal of decomposition, along with wild animals coming along to have their pickings. I doubt one would be able to identify exactly what killed her father. To make this more realistic I would just have him frozen to death from the blizzard and found about a week after the snow melted. That way the body would still be reasonably identifiable.
Characters: Honestly, I don't know much about your characters. I don't feel particularly close to Vashoa. She has no real discernable personality, I don't know what she looks like, and all I really know is that she is 15 and lives a hard life. How does she feel about her father's death? Was she close to him? Was it hard to deal with his death? How does she feel to take on the responsibility of her whole household? Besides wishing for a day off to relax and be a little girl again, how does she feel? Overwhelmed? Embittered? Depressed? What is her relationship with her mother and grandmother? Also, it is unlikely that Vashoa is an only child. Children not only died very young but they were also free labor for the family farm, so reproduction was key to survival. Where are her siblings? (Besides the mystery man's baby baking in the mother's womb). I think you need to do some serious character development so that your audience can connect with them.
Settings: I already went over this but I just wanted to reiterate the importance of developing the setting. You have to paint a vivid image for your readers so that we feel like we are there right alongside Vashoa as she toils through the days. Make sure you use all five senses, but don't overwhelm us with lots of information all at once (Info dumps are bad), just enough so we can imagine what your characters are experiencing.
Overall: I think the plot line is amazing and has major potential. The major parts that you need to work on is the character and setting development. If you need help with this, I'd be happy to help you with this. I know it might sound overwhelming, but do NOT get discouraged. You are a talented writer with amazing plot ideas in your head. I can't wait to read more. PM me with any questions.
Okay, you asked me to review, but I couldn't find much here. My only improvement would be this :
Well, That's it! I can't find anything else, but you have a good and promising beginning to a novel here!
Hiya Climber! Very sorry I'm late.
Plot: Even in this small section, you have a lot of possible plot directions you could take. Mentioning the town in particular has a lot of options. This is a rather solid beginning plot-wise.
Telling: This is very tell-heavy. You have so many possible scenes here (the churning, the bread, interaction with other family members, ect), but you never really elaborate on them. Here is a good article on how to show.
Emotion: You don't have much emotion here, a problem caused by the telling I mentioned above, and you could really stand to dig into how she feels about being overworked, lonely, missing her father, weary, ect. Usually, the more traumatic the event, the more time you should spend on an emotional reaction. ^_^
Character: Vashoa seems like a very interesting character. However, I'd like to see some more of her! Does her mother consider her unfeminine? What about her grandmother? How does she see herself? Just answering those questions will make this much richer.
Atmosphere: I won't go much into this, but I just want to let you know that if you use certain adjectives, you can really create a sense of isolation. Take this paragraph, for example:
With just a few little word changes (found in italics) it can become something more:
Two words make a difference, no?
Questions? PM me.
~Rosey
So, this is the first story you've written? I see that the date is from almost a year ago, though-- are you still working on it? If so, I'd like to see where it's going.
Eh, I'm going to be frank with you. This isn't terribly exciting. It doesn't draw us into your storyline and make us what to find happen, and you character isn't particularly fascinating. However! This is written extremely well, which is always a plus, and I'd be interested as to where this could be going.
You could use a good boatload more. Don't you want your readers to feel the South Dakota breeze, or hear the slosh of the milk in the pail? What about the aroma of farm animals that hits her as she enters the barn? Is the scent of baking bread like a glimpse of heaven? Or is she too upset to even think about eating something that her mother will probably burn anyway?
Also, what does the farmhouse look like? Like a dilapidated shack that your MC is ashamed of? Or is it the only home she's known, and can therefore look as horrible as it may but still be close to her heart?
So, why did Vashoa suddenly think of her dad? She was churning, and then all of a sudden...BAM! She's wondering about the last time she saw him, and then you launch into the story of his tragic death. This is all nice and well, but what stimulated it? Did she see something that reminded her of him? Did he used to churn the butter with her? Or did she jump from one thought to another, eventually landing on her father?
Tell us her train of thought as to how she got to this memory.
So, over all this was an enjoyable read! If you get any of the rest posted, you can request another review in my thread, dear. ^_^
~Evi
This story was interesting but, I feel that you need to establish your main character a bit more. Show us what she looks like, if she is shy or outgoing. Let us feel as if we have known her forever. It will draw the reader in more. Also, describe the setting more too. Good story though. I am intrigued.
I didn't read any of the other critiques, so I apologize if I repeat anything. It really helped how short you kept this, so that I was able to really focus and rip it to shreds. Hope it helps!!
Here as requested, my darling!
(Newer part)
Why, hello there! First of all, thanks so much for requesting a review! I have a goal to reach 75 by March 16th.
Overall, I thought it was a pretty interesting piece. I'm just wondering where the plot is going with this. Will there be a new friend? Romance? Just a tale of her troubles on the farm? Well, I guess the reader should be wondering this at this point of the story. Haha.
As mentioned before, you do use "she" to begin sentences a lot. Perhaps include her name just a tad more, and try to reword some of the sentences.
I'm sorry that the most I could offer was this; I'm really mostly a grammar freak. Haha.
Keep me posted on this and thanks again!
Love,
Music.
You probably missed a part in the story.
Here it's saying that spring came, but her pa didn't. Do you see what I'm saying?
Anyway, I'll pm you if I change anything or add anything.
-ClimberSquirrel
(P.S, I changed what you said needed changing.)
Okay, your story was written well, greatly in fact. But as the others had pointed out you shouldn't write "she everytime. Try to change it.
I'll give you an example.
Change it to "Instantly, Vashoa was met with the smell of bread."
Try putting the character's name once in while.
Make this a full sentence as "She settled herself down to the steady plink of the milk hitting the pail."
"Until the buriel."? That is confusing. You perhaps meant "After the burial"
hadn't what? "Come?"
Okay no more mistakes, but try to put more dialogue and description.
Good story by the way.
Good luck.
Kizzi already pointed out everything I would've. But I have one Question.
What inspired you to set the story in South Dakota?
I'm from the beautiful state and a lot of people think it's all country. (Which it's not! In your story you point out the "vast nothingness". There are a lot of forests, rivers, creeks, etc. there you know! I understand that she may be living on the Plains, but there are even shrubs and stuff on the plains.) There's even a motorcycle rally every year in Sturgis. Maybe your inspiration came from a textbook or something, but you should research it a little more. You'll find out that a lot of interesting events take place in South Dakota (ex. Battle of Little Big Horn, Battle at Wounded Knee, the Black Hills Gold Rush, Wild Bill Hickock... many others) But, I think that researching the state would help you understand the surrounding in which you character has lived for the last 15 years of her life. In the past of course! Unless your writing this in the present... In which case you have a LOT of work to do.
Looking forward to the rest of the story!
Alicat159
I agree that you use "She" far too much when you start sentences. So instead of using she you can flip sentences around like here:
Instead of saying "she sighed", you could say "Sighing, she wished there was someone to ease the long hours."
and here:
Maybe instead of telling us all the motions, show us. "Placing a hand on the door knob she pushed it opened and step through." Even more add the feel of the knob, the smell as she enters the room. Make it real.
Grabbed has two b's. ^.^
Anyway, overall I also agree that this has potential. I'd like to read more, message me when you have it if you want. I hope this edit helped.
She did this, she did that.
Alright, let the sentences flow a little more. I think this has good potential to be good. Pm me when you fix it or add more. But you just have to let the senteces a little more and it will be better.